I have been a mom for more than 6 years, and in that time, I have had three children. My youngest is currently in the toddler stage, and it doesn’t matter how many times you go through this stage, it is just as tough as the time before. You would think after having raised two through the toddler years, I would be a bit more confident and surer about what I was doing, but it is not that easy.
Toddlers, by nature, are wild, but they are also all different. It doesn’t matter if you have raised 20 toddlers, they are all different and unique individuals, and they are going to come with their own sets of joys and struggles. My first as a toddler was super-adventurous. She didn’t throw many tantrums, but she was climbing everything and how we escaped without a visit to the ER is beyond me. My second was your stereotypical toddler, full-on meltdowns (at home and in public), and this meant throwing himself down, kicking and screaming.
Now I am on my third, and he is a mix of both of them. He can have his days, but he is wild. This may also have something to do with the fact that he is a “pandemic baby,” but I have never met a toddler like him. While I love him dearly, I have had to find ways to cope with raising him. It has not been easy, and even though I have tried many strategies, the one that ended up working was putting myself first.
I know, how dare I? How dare I put myself before my toddler? It seems absurd, and some may even think me selfish and a “horrible” mother for doing this, but it is important to realize something – when a mother says this or uses it as a way to cope, it doesn’t mean they ignore their child who is in need to go have a bubble bath and paint their nails. That seems to be what everyone often assumes when mom dares say that she puts herself first.
You see, my toddler can push my buttons, and I am only human. If I have not taken the time to put myself first, to take part in some self-care, then I am going to “lose it.” I am going to run out of patience, I am going to raise my voice and my toddler is not going to be getting the very best of me.
My toddler cannot control his behavior right now, it is developmentally appropriate, and what this means is that I have to be the one to change it. I have to look at myself, and how I react and find different ways to address the issues.
If I am not in a place that is cool, calm, and collected, I am not going to approach this situation well. There are many scenarios that are used to help explain this need for moms, and while they seem cliché at times, I am going to use one now.
If anyone has ever taken a plane, one of the instructions is that if the oxygen bags get deployed, you are supposed to put yours on before you help anyone, including your own children. Many may initially scoff at the idea of trying to save themselves before an innocent child, but if you pass out before you get that mask on your child, you are no good to them. You cannot help them. You have nothing to offer.
Self-care, and putting myself first are the same thing. I am not any good to my toddler if my oxygen is low. If my tank is running out, there is nothing there to give, so I have to make it a priority to keep my tank full. I am sure this is an analogy that we have all heard before, but it serves as an important reminder.
Self-care, and putting ourselves first, with a toddler can seem impossible. They are, by very nature, incredibly demanding, and it seems like they always need something, but it is important to ask if they really do need something. If my toddler is dry, clean, fed, and entertained by someone, I am free to take some time to myself, as long as I am willing to allow myself that freedom.
This is my advice to you, try and find that time. You will be amazed at how much better of a parent you can be, especially in those moments when you think your toddler is intentionally trying to drive you crazy.